The road to hell is paved with good intentions. As much as I have committed to this exploration of self life just derailed those intentions... Family illness hit us unexpectedly and diverted my attention to those who needed it more...and it was not the gal in the mirror.
So here I am back for round 2.
Let's see if we can begin tomorrow to restart this journey. Lent is a fabulous time for self reflection and personal growth. Let's see what I can do when properly motivated.
In honor of St. Patrick;s day "slawn ogg-us ban-ocked lyat" (Goodbye and blessings with you)
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Monday, December 27, 2010
Step 1? Choosing Happiness
Today's quote:
Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself:
'I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today.
I can choose which it shall be.
Yesterday is dead.
Tomorrow hasn't arrived.
I have just one day, today and I'm going to be happy in it.'
Groucho Marx
Choosing happiness is perhaps the first step in achieving happiness. It sounds like such a logical step. The converse is also true. We can choose unhappiness, to wallow in the life we are leading, the poor choices we made, the bad luck that hit us (and no one else). This is so much easier to do. The lure of remaining unhappy, the look at me Eyeore "woh is me" approach to life is easy but it is scary. It's easy to become addicted to being unhappy. It's also the perfect excuse. I am not a business success because .. well you know... I am lonely and unloved because ... well .. who would want me after .....Hours, days, weeks, years.... suddenly we are the old hermit down the street who scares all of the children. Can we even remember the light hearted center of attention. spur of the moment, take the bull by the horns, carefree person we started out as?
I could have easily succombed to the woh is me syndrome. Even just the few items I have noted the past couple of days could make a perfect explanation for any retreat to isolation.
Instead I have chosen to stay in the game. I have spent more days than I can document going to work, to a party, to Church unhappy and miserable but no one in the world was aware of it. To the world my mantra has been "It is what it is"; I am working with the hand I was dealt". I have gone into work singing and pretending everything is 100% or even 85%.. I have always figured if you start out at a high level ..pushing yourself if you have to ..then no matter what hits you during the day you have a shot at staying ahead of the game. On the other hand if you start the day at gutter level... pissing and moaning from the get go you can only expect to be miserable by the end of the day.... It really can be a choice.
Making the choice each day will add up to a solid habit. It takes 90 days to turn something into a habit. Start tomorrow. read Groucho's quote with meaning and give it a solid try. It may just surprise you.
As I was reading and researching I was amazed to find out how many sources pop up when you google "Choosing Happiness". Happiness is a business to many. Apparently far too many of us are unhappy. Perhaps we have given up on the how and feel the need to turn the project over to a professional. If the project is unsuccessful (we are still unhappy) the responsibilty is not ours... we can blame the company or consultant we hired. Let's change that for 2011 and take charge of our own happiness.
Today we are going to choose to be happy. Yet even with this choice I remain unhappy. There is more to this than making positive, in the present, statements.
We need to make a list of what makes us unhappy. These can be symptoms or other indicators that we need to address, to work on, to correct, etc. They are blocking our happiness no matter how we try to put the best face forward. We need to stop avoiding them. If we want real happiness we need to deal with them.
What makes me unhappy?
I have never been happy with my weight and I really need to get a handle on it. I really want to lose 25 pounds.
Hand in hand with this is the post 40's shape. I need to get things back in form. I need to regain flexibility and strength.
I need to gain control of my finances. I need to know Christmas won't be a disaster again and that there will be money in the account to pay the bills.
I miss my friends and need to find time to be with them... to really be with them.
I need to work on my time wasters - I dont want to schedule every moment of my life but I don't want to waste days when there are so many things I need to / want to accomplish.
I need to organize my world. I cannot find anything when I need it or even just want it. Perhaps I need to purge my world of many items I thought had been necessary or maybe I just need the right, usable organizer. More than likely it is a combination.
I need to deal with my marriage instead of hoping it will just go away. Truly, if I am being honest, this is the root that has resulted in all the rest of the items listed above. If I can deal with this maybe it will be easier to fix everything else.
I dont want to simply duck tape my world I want to embroider a masterpiece.
I am choosing happiness but I know there is much more to it than simply choosing.. but by the act of choosing and noting the things that are not working, I can create the road map to begin working on the various parts until I have reconstructed the puzzle.
I look forward to the journey.
Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself:
'I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today.
I can choose which it shall be.
Yesterday is dead.
Tomorrow hasn't arrived.
I have just one day, today and I'm going to be happy in it.'
Groucho Marx
Choosing happiness is perhaps the first step in achieving happiness. It sounds like such a logical step. The converse is also true. We can choose unhappiness, to wallow in the life we are leading, the poor choices we made, the bad luck that hit us (and no one else). This is so much easier to do. The lure of remaining unhappy, the look at me Eyeore "woh is me" approach to life is easy but it is scary. It's easy to become addicted to being unhappy. It's also the perfect excuse. I am not a business success because .. well you know... I am lonely and unloved because ... well .. who would want me after .....Hours, days, weeks, years.... suddenly we are the old hermit down the street who scares all of the children. Can we even remember the light hearted center of attention. spur of the moment, take the bull by the horns, carefree person we started out as?
I could have easily succombed to the woh is me syndrome. Even just the few items I have noted the past couple of days could make a perfect explanation for any retreat to isolation.
Instead I have chosen to stay in the game. I have spent more days than I can document going to work, to a party, to Church unhappy and miserable but no one in the world was aware of it. To the world my mantra has been "It is what it is"; I am working with the hand I was dealt". I have gone into work singing and pretending everything is 100% or even 85%.. I have always figured if you start out at a high level ..pushing yourself if you have to ..then no matter what hits you during the day you have a shot at staying ahead of the game. On the other hand if you start the day at gutter level... pissing and moaning from the get go you can only expect to be miserable by the end of the day.... It really can be a choice.
Making the choice each day will add up to a solid habit. It takes 90 days to turn something into a habit. Start tomorrow. read Groucho's quote with meaning and give it a solid try. It may just surprise you.
As I was reading and researching I was amazed to find out how many sources pop up when you google "Choosing Happiness". Happiness is a business to many. Apparently far too many of us are unhappy. Perhaps we have given up on the how and feel the need to turn the project over to a professional. If the project is unsuccessful (we are still unhappy) the responsibilty is not ours... we can blame the company or consultant we hired. Let's change that for 2011 and take charge of our own happiness.
Today we are going to choose to be happy. Yet even with this choice I remain unhappy. There is more to this than making positive, in the present, statements.
We need to make a list of what makes us unhappy. These can be symptoms or other indicators that we need to address, to work on, to correct, etc. They are blocking our happiness no matter how we try to put the best face forward. We need to stop avoiding them. If we want real happiness we need to deal with them.
What makes me unhappy?
I have never been happy with my weight and I really need to get a handle on it. I really want to lose 25 pounds.
Hand in hand with this is the post 40's shape. I need to get things back in form. I need to regain flexibility and strength.
I need to gain control of my finances. I need to know Christmas won't be a disaster again and that there will be money in the account to pay the bills.
I miss my friends and need to find time to be with them... to really be with them.
I need to work on my time wasters - I dont want to schedule every moment of my life but I don't want to waste days when there are so many things I need to / want to accomplish.
I need to organize my world. I cannot find anything when I need it or even just want it. Perhaps I need to purge my world of many items I thought had been necessary or maybe I just need the right, usable organizer. More than likely it is a combination.
I need to deal with my marriage instead of hoping it will just go away. Truly, if I am being honest, this is the root that has resulted in all the rest of the items listed above. If I can deal with this maybe it will be easier to fix everything else.
I dont want to simply duck tape my world I want to embroider a masterpiece.
I am choosing happiness but I know there is much more to it than simply choosing.. but by the act of choosing and noting the things that are not working, I can create the road map to begin working on the various parts until I have reconstructed the puzzle.
I look forward to the journey.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Preparing for the journey - opening up
Deciding to commit to finding joy ... or searching for happiness .. in 2011 was not a decision made lightly. It sounds funny though that a journey to find happiness must be taken in a serious manner...It means that I need to devote time each and every day to making positive changes in my life, that will hopefully benefit not only myself but my family as well. Research, reading, taking notes, purging the world around me of the unwanted and unnecessary, are all aspects of this undertaking that must be given consideration.
There is more to finding joy in my life than simply regaining fitness and gaining control over that aspect of my life. It pretty much means creating a map of what I want to be ... what road I at least wish to be on at the stroke of midnight December 31, 2011. It also means taking the stresses out of my life. What are my triggers? Do they vary? What can I do to control this? What tools do I need to have to accomplish this? What organization skills, if any, do I need?
Aah .. control ... here is a major aspect of the stressors in my world- that feeling the lack of control in my life. When I was younger, faced with a father dying of cancer, and grandparents who were also quite ill, I tended toward being the "perfect daughter". In many ways I was anything but, yet I tried to be and gave up many dreams in order to accommodate the world I was born into. Anorexic behavior became my outlet. My eating was the only thing I felt I could control. I suppose it could have been worse. Running around, drinking, drugs, etc. all could have been my reaction but I planned every day how I could eat less than I did the day before. The fact that I came out of this phase healthy amazes many of us. The fact that I married a controlling personality stuns us even more.
I have spent a great deal of my life creating lists. I have lists on every topic.
The topics I wish to learn
The places I wish to travel to - long trips and short weekends, with family and with friends
The activities I want to be involved in
The skills I want to master
The vacation home I want to own
The redecoration /remodel of the home we live in
The way I would spend lottery winnings if ever blessed to have that problem
etc.
All the lists have one thing in common. They are my vision for the world around me. There are no shared decisions in this daydream world of mine. In my imaginary world I am the queen of my destiny, probably single (since I cannot fathom anyone giving me the space to be me), living on Beacon Hill with my two Lagottos or maybe even miniature bull terriers, rowing on the Charles, biking along the Charles, with a vacation home at Point Judith on the ocean or a short walk to it, driving my Prius, cross country skiing and snow shoeing in the Berkshires or in northern Maine (getting there in my red jeep wrangler - 2 dr or 4 dr? ...), fencing, tai chi, yoga, pilates, boxing for fitness, swimming, skating, playing the guitar and the harp, knitting, sewing, reading, working on PhD, visiting with friends and my children, attending the ballet, the shows that come to town, the opera, the Museum of Fine Arts, the Symphony and the Pops, the Handel and Hayden society, attending concerts from Springsteen and U2 to Bocelli, visiting New York quarterly to attend shows there and to shop a little, trips - weekend and longer - well, I can design a full, stress free life and there is always enough money to handle this - no diamonds, no crazy outrageous extravagances, I don't even need front row seats. This is my happy place. I have refined this so well over the years. I can see the woodwork in my home, feel the comfort of the double chair and ottoman I sit in to knit or to cross stitch now and to hold grandchildren in the future, feel the water from the Charles splashing as I row, and the sand under my feet as I walk the miles of beach, exploring Paris with my family....and then I wake up and face a starker reality.
Given my upbringing - father and grandparents ill, many days, weekends, and vacations spent in hospital waiting rooms I still believed that I was happy and carefree. HA! Truly I was more serious than I wanted to admit to myself or to the rest of the world. The Irish do not cry in front of people - or so I was told. I was the oldest and needed to take care of my mother and siblings. I needed to project to the world that everything was working OK in our part of the universe. I did this well. If I needed to cry it was alone in my room. Mostly I was afraid to cry because I might never stop. I needed to remain in control. I never opened up to anyone. My group of friends remained constant - they understood what had been going on (to a certain extent) and knew enough to "be there" but never ask questions. The thought of adding friends scared me. They would want to know the answers to obvious questions. I could not risk trying to explain for that could open up a world of tears closed off for so many years.
I became quiet in high school and turned to a lovely nun who unfortunately died at the end of my freshman year. I was beginning to wonder if everyone I turned to would find the same quick ending. Perhaps I was the commonality.... I withrew even more. The school counselor suggested to my mother that I seek out a child psychologist. " She thinks I am nuts." We went as advised. I answered the questions of this man, and I opened up, and he began to cry. I was worse off than I thought if I am making this man cry.
There are many events that added to the heaviness of my soul, events that I am still not ready to open up about despite knowing that no one but me will ever read these lines. This is part of my journey to finding joy and happiness - I need to lose some of that weight as well. Perhaps this journey will help me release some of this. Suffice to say that I was wound tight and needed some positivity in my life.
My first real relationship was with a man who became addicted to cocaine and beat the living daylights out of me on a regular basis. My back feels it often from having been thrown across rooms, into car fenders. I tried leaving that realtionship so often. I was cut off from my friends - my lifeline - the people who knew me and loved me anyway. I was constantly threatened that my house would be burned down and my family hurt. I knew he was crazy enough to do just that. It all ended badly but it did end. My college memories are not the sweet ones you want to look back on. I promised the world I would not date for one year. Like the death of a loved one I needed to face this head on ... and I ended the year even a tad thinner than I started.
Oh how I wanted to escape this city and all of her memories. I could not leave my mother. She could not handle that.
I began dating my now husband. I thought he would be the one to "watch over me" but I did not know that he would be controlling. He hid that aspect while we were dating. He seemed perfect. He changed. I withered but I am still here. I fight it every step of the way. I should not have to fight but I do. Unfortunately the world is his way or no way. (Hence my detailed dream world - a world he would want nothing to do with)
That is a lot to throw out for one evening. I think it is time to reflect upon this for tonight and see where we go tomorrow.
There is more to finding joy in my life than simply regaining fitness and gaining control over that aspect of my life. It pretty much means creating a map of what I want to be ... what road I at least wish to be on at the stroke of midnight December 31, 2011. It also means taking the stresses out of my life. What are my triggers? Do they vary? What can I do to control this? What tools do I need to have to accomplish this? What organization skills, if any, do I need?
Aah .. control ... here is a major aspect of the stressors in my world- that feeling the lack of control in my life. When I was younger, faced with a father dying of cancer, and grandparents who were also quite ill, I tended toward being the "perfect daughter". In many ways I was anything but, yet I tried to be and gave up many dreams in order to accommodate the world I was born into. Anorexic behavior became my outlet. My eating was the only thing I felt I could control. I suppose it could have been worse. Running around, drinking, drugs, etc. all could have been my reaction but I planned every day how I could eat less than I did the day before. The fact that I came out of this phase healthy amazes many of us. The fact that I married a controlling personality stuns us even more.
I have spent a great deal of my life creating lists. I have lists on every topic.
The topics I wish to learn
The places I wish to travel to - long trips and short weekends, with family and with friends
The activities I want to be involved in
The skills I want to master
The vacation home I want to own
The redecoration /remodel of the home we live in
The way I would spend lottery winnings if ever blessed to have that problem
etc.
All the lists have one thing in common. They are my vision for the world around me. There are no shared decisions in this daydream world of mine. In my imaginary world I am the queen of my destiny, probably single (since I cannot fathom anyone giving me the space to be me), living on Beacon Hill with my two Lagottos or maybe even miniature bull terriers, rowing on the Charles, biking along the Charles, with a vacation home at Point Judith on the ocean or a short walk to it, driving my Prius, cross country skiing and snow shoeing in the Berkshires or in northern Maine (getting there in my red jeep wrangler - 2 dr or 4 dr? ...), fencing, tai chi, yoga, pilates, boxing for fitness, swimming, skating, playing the guitar and the harp, knitting, sewing, reading, working on PhD, visiting with friends and my children, attending the ballet, the shows that come to town, the opera, the Museum of Fine Arts, the Symphony and the Pops, the Handel and Hayden society, attending concerts from Springsteen and U2 to Bocelli, visiting New York quarterly to attend shows there and to shop a little, trips - weekend and longer - well, I can design a full, stress free life and there is always enough money to handle this - no diamonds, no crazy outrageous extravagances, I don't even need front row seats. This is my happy place. I have refined this so well over the years. I can see the woodwork in my home, feel the comfort of the double chair and ottoman I sit in to knit or to cross stitch now and to hold grandchildren in the future, feel the water from the Charles splashing as I row, and the sand under my feet as I walk the miles of beach, exploring Paris with my family....and then I wake up and face a starker reality.
Given my upbringing - father and grandparents ill, many days, weekends, and vacations spent in hospital waiting rooms I still believed that I was happy and carefree. HA! Truly I was more serious than I wanted to admit to myself or to the rest of the world. The Irish do not cry in front of people - or so I was told. I was the oldest and needed to take care of my mother and siblings. I needed to project to the world that everything was working OK in our part of the universe. I did this well. If I needed to cry it was alone in my room. Mostly I was afraid to cry because I might never stop. I needed to remain in control. I never opened up to anyone. My group of friends remained constant - they understood what had been going on (to a certain extent) and knew enough to "be there" but never ask questions. The thought of adding friends scared me. They would want to know the answers to obvious questions. I could not risk trying to explain for that could open up a world of tears closed off for so many years.
I became quiet in high school and turned to a lovely nun who unfortunately died at the end of my freshman year. I was beginning to wonder if everyone I turned to would find the same quick ending. Perhaps I was the commonality.... I withrew even more. The school counselor suggested to my mother that I seek out a child psychologist. " She thinks I am nuts." We went as advised. I answered the questions of this man, and I opened up, and he began to cry. I was worse off than I thought if I am making this man cry.
There are many events that added to the heaviness of my soul, events that I am still not ready to open up about despite knowing that no one but me will ever read these lines. This is part of my journey to finding joy and happiness - I need to lose some of that weight as well. Perhaps this journey will help me release some of this. Suffice to say that I was wound tight and needed some positivity in my life.
My first real relationship was with a man who became addicted to cocaine and beat the living daylights out of me on a regular basis. My back feels it often from having been thrown across rooms, into car fenders. I tried leaving that realtionship so often. I was cut off from my friends - my lifeline - the people who knew me and loved me anyway. I was constantly threatened that my house would be burned down and my family hurt. I knew he was crazy enough to do just that. It all ended badly but it did end. My college memories are not the sweet ones you want to look back on. I promised the world I would not date for one year. Like the death of a loved one I needed to face this head on ... and I ended the year even a tad thinner than I started.
Oh how I wanted to escape this city and all of her memories. I could not leave my mother. She could not handle that.
I began dating my now husband. I thought he would be the one to "watch over me" but I did not know that he would be controlling. He hid that aspect while we were dating. He seemed perfect. He changed. I withered but I am still here. I fight it every step of the way. I should not have to fight but I do. Unfortunately the world is his way or no way. (Hence my detailed dream world - a world he would want nothing to do with)
That is a lot to throw out for one evening. I think it is time to reflect upon this for tonight and see where we go tomorrow.
Saturday, December 25, 2010
My Search for Happiness 2011
I am always in search of trying to better myself. For some reason I am always critical of the image in the mirror.
Both of my parents died far too young from cancer and three out of four grandparents died from stroke. at the age of 70. I suffered from their losses but I did not change my lifestyle. You would think I would know better but I took up smoking at the age of 17. I smoked cigarettes until the age of 34 when a dear friend was diagnosed with cancer and died months later. I was anorexic from about the age of 17 and used smoking as a diet aid. I injured my back right around the time I quit smoking and my metabolism shut off. The pounds came on and the negative outlook on life crept up as well.
My daughter contracted an auto - immune disorder at the age of 14 and I became a fanatic to ensure her recovery would be quick and permanent. I sought out raw diets and drove an hour every weekend to purchase raw milk. I did this until I weened off dairy completely and now use almond milk exclusively. (The only dairy I consume is Greek Yogurt). I now follow what is considered to be a "clean diet". I avoid white flour, pasta, and sugar products, which, let's be honest, I was avoiding anyway. ("Carbs are the enemy" has been a mantra and an excuse and, well, once an anorexic......) I eat little to no beef or poultry unless it has been raised without antibiotics and (the beef) is grass fed. I am convinced the alteration in raising the beef and poultry had everything to do with my daughter's illness ( MY OPINION). I avoid can goods whenever it is poosible to do so. I soak beans (black, kidney, garbnzo, etc), cook up batches, and keep them refrigerated for quick use. Raw protein powders and flax seeds are staples. Even so weight loss alludes me.
Tosca Reno I need you one on one !
My exercise rituals are sporadic and that is primarily due to the fact that I tend to injure myself. I need exercise to stay thin and healthy - the hope is to live beyond the parents life span and to do so in an active and productive manner. I was doing great with martial arts and then injured my back in a (non exercise) fall - ruptured disk and sciata - and that meant no more roundhouse kicks which meant no more martial arts. Spinning was a fabulous addiction until my work schedule changed. (Why do the gyms always schedule my favorite classes when I CANNOT attend?) I turned to yoga at the age of 40. A new studio opend up nearby offering a 3 month intro package for only $99. I thought this was a perfect way to regain some flexibilty and maybe help my back. This was perfect until week three when a yoga instructor told me I could go deeper into a pose, push me deeper and my back snapped. (dark clouds hanging overhead). Injuring the back again also ended the five mile walks I was taking.
In the past few years I have read every self help book that has come on the market. I find that most do not tell me anything NEW but are mere reminders and gentle nudges to try to get me on track. Unfortunately I also find that with an unsupportive husband, a full time stressful job, and two college age children my lifestyle is not condusive to regularly scheduling exercise - although it is getting better with the children not at home.. (When the children were younger I played scout leader, den mother, PTA member, and all around helpful volunteer in town. This was in addition to proud parent of the year round sporty children who drove to every practice and never missed a game.) One day a friend told me I needed to be more like Oprah and learn to say "NO". I have learned to say no but could use her intervention to get me kickstarted...
With the youngest now off to college I had high hopes of gaining some structure in my exercise world. I belong to a gym that has a location near my office. I was hitting the gym 4 - 5 days per week and following a great program... and have actually lost a few pounds. Then I broke my ankle. (One has to wonder if I do this on a subconscious level she only half jokingly writes.) The ankle is healing and I hope to be back into a routine at the first of the year.
This is one of the catalysts for the start of this blog.
I heard a lot of buzz around the book The Happiness Project. I have not read it yet but may use some of its concepts to guide me this year. As much as I would love to have the owners of EXHALE in Boston come along and set me up in the perfect program .... I know this is all on me and I need to try to figure this out .. whether its doing Tony Horton DVD's and Pilates DVD's and Yoga DVD's .... I will figure this out.
Of course this year is not only about exercise and weight loss.. they are mere components to happiness. I need to rediscover me, find the joy that I am missing. Years ago I stopped creating New Year's resolutions. I came up with my own version of the bucket list - things I wanted to accomplish, places I wanted to go, etc. The hope was that when I examined this list periodically I would see progress toward some of them and I might even check some off. I have learned to knit ( although I am slow and need to schedule time to devote to creating and finishing project) but I still have not learned to play the guitar. (Some books and theories pronounce that if you view your wishes as reality then you will see them become reality - somehow you will gravitate toward the process the make them reality... )
As I begin to reflect I will re-examine this list, try to understand why they are on the list, and perhaps realize whether I can realistically ever accomplish some, a few, or all. ( Meeting Liz Taylor, John Travolta, and Bruce Springsteen are most likely "not at all" and should be moved accordingly. Owning one to two Lagotto Romagnolo are not likely now with two college tuitions but may happen one day..... even sooner if 5,000 of my nearest and dearest donate a dollar to the dog fund (my lame attempt at humor for the day.)
I have committed to this for 2011. With some honest daily reflection I hope to find the joy I search for.
Both of my parents died far too young from cancer and three out of four grandparents died from stroke. at the age of 70. I suffered from their losses but I did not change my lifestyle. You would think I would know better but I took up smoking at the age of 17. I smoked cigarettes until the age of 34 when a dear friend was diagnosed with cancer and died months later. I was anorexic from about the age of 17 and used smoking as a diet aid. I injured my back right around the time I quit smoking and my metabolism shut off. The pounds came on and the negative outlook on life crept up as well.
My daughter contracted an auto - immune disorder at the age of 14 and I became a fanatic to ensure her recovery would be quick and permanent. I sought out raw diets and drove an hour every weekend to purchase raw milk. I did this until I weened off dairy completely and now use almond milk exclusively. (The only dairy I consume is Greek Yogurt). I now follow what is considered to be a "clean diet". I avoid white flour, pasta, and sugar products, which, let's be honest, I was avoiding anyway. ("Carbs are the enemy" has been a mantra and an excuse and, well, once an anorexic......) I eat little to no beef or poultry unless it has been raised without antibiotics and (the beef) is grass fed. I am convinced the alteration in raising the beef and poultry had everything to do with my daughter's illness ( MY OPINION). I avoid can goods whenever it is poosible to do so. I soak beans (black, kidney, garbnzo, etc), cook up batches, and keep them refrigerated for quick use. Raw protein powders and flax seeds are staples. Even so weight loss alludes me.
Tosca Reno I need you one on one !
My exercise rituals are sporadic and that is primarily due to the fact that I tend to injure myself. I need exercise to stay thin and healthy - the hope is to live beyond the parents life span and to do so in an active and productive manner. I was doing great with martial arts and then injured my back in a (non exercise) fall - ruptured disk and sciata - and that meant no more roundhouse kicks which meant no more martial arts. Spinning was a fabulous addiction until my work schedule changed. (Why do the gyms always schedule my favorite classes when I CANNOT attend?) I turned to yoga at the age of 40. A new studio opend up nearby offering a 3 month intro package for only $99. I thought this was a perfect way to regain some flexibilty and maybe help my back. This was perfect until week three when a yoga instructor told me I could go deeper into a pose, push me deeper and my back snapped. (dark clouds hanging overhead). Injuring the back again also ended the five mile walks I was taking.
In the past few years I have read every self help book that has come on the market. I find that most do not tell me anything NEW but are mere reminders and gentle nudges to try to get me on track. Unfortunately I also find that with an unsupportive husband, a full time stressful job, and two college age children my lifestyle is not condusive to regularly scheduling exercise - although it is getting better with the children not at home.. (When the children were younger I played scout leader, den mother, PTA member, and all around helpful volunteer in town. This was in addition to proud parent of the year round sporty children who drove to every practice and never missed a game.) One day a friend told me I needed to be more like Oprah and learn to say "NO". I have learned to say no but could use her intervention to get me kickstarted...
With the youngest now off to college I had high hopes of gaining some structure in my exercise world. I belong to a gym that has a location near my office. I was hitting the gym 4 - 5 days per week and following a great program... and have actually lost a few pounds. Then I broke my ankle. (One has to wonder if I do this on a subconscious level she only half jokingly writes.) The ankle is healing and I hope to be back into a routine at the first of the year.
This is one of the catalysts for the start of this blog.
I heard a lot of buzz around the book The Happiness Project. I have not read it yet but may use some of its concepts to guide me this year. As much as I would love to have the owners of EXHALE in Boston come along and set me up in the perfect program .... I know this is all on me and I need to try to figure this out .. whether its doing Tony Horton DVD's and Pilates DVD's and Yoga DVD's .... I will figure this out.
Of course this year is not only about exercise and weight loss.. they are mere components to happiness. I need to rediscover me, find the joy that I am missing. Years ago I stopped creating New Year's resolutions. I came up with my own version of the bucket list - things I wanted to accomplish, places I wanted to go, etc. The hope was that when I examined this list periodically I would see progress toward some of them and I might even check some off. I have learned to knit ( although I am slow and need to schedule time to devote to creating and finishing project) but I still have not learned to play the guitar. (Some books and theories pronounce that if you view your wishes as reality then you will see them become reality - somehow you will gravitate toward the process the make them reality... )
As I begin to reflect I will re-examine this list, try to understand why they are on the list, and perhaps realize whether I can realistically ever accomplish some, a few, or all. ( Meeting Liz Taylor, John Travolta, and Bruce Springsteen are most likely "not at all" and should be moved accordingly. Owning one to two Lagotto Romagnolo are not likely now with two college tuitions but may happen one day..... even sooner if 5,000 of my nearest and dearest donate a dollar to the dog fund (my lame attempt at humor for the day.)
I have committed to this for 2011. With some honest daily reflection I hope to find the joy I search for.
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