My Search for Happiness 2011

I am always in search of trying to better myself.  For some reason I am always critical of the image in the mirror.

Both of my parents died far too young from cancer and three out of four grandparents died from stroke. at the age of 70. I suffered from their losses but I did not change my lifestyle. You would think I would know better but I took up smoking at the age of 17. I smoked cigarettes until the age of 34 when a dear friend was diagnosed  with cancer and died months later. I was anorexic from about the age of 17 and used smoking as a diet aid.  I injured my back right around the time I quit smoking and my metabolism shut off. The pounds came on and the negative outlook on life crept up as well.

 My daughter contracted an auto - immune disorder at the age of 14 and I became a fanatic to ensure her recovery would be quick and permanent. I sought out raw diets and drove an hour every weekend to purchase raw milk. I did this until I weened off dairy completely and now use almond milk exclusively. (The only dairy I consume is Greek Yogurt).  I now follow what is considered to be a "clean diet". I avoid white flour, pasta, and sugar products, which, let's be honest, I was avoiding anyway. ("Carbs are the enemy" has been a mantra and an excuse and, well, once an anorexic......) I eat little to no beef or poultry unless it has been raised without antibiotics and (the beef) is grass fed. I am convinced the alteration in raising the beef and poultry had everything to do with my daughter's illness ( MY OPINION). I avoid can goods whenever it is poosible to do so. I soak beans (black, kidney, garbnzo, etc), cook up batches, and keep them refrigerated for quick use. Raw protein powders and flax seeds are staples. Even so weight loss alludes me.
Tosca Reno I need you one on one !
My exercise rituals are sporadic and that is primarily due to the fact that I tend to injure myself. I need exercise to stay thin and healthy - the hope is to live beyond the parents life span and to do so in an active and productive manner. I was doing great with martial arts and then injured my back in a (non exercise) fall - ruptured disk and sciata - and that meant no more roundhouse kicks which meant no more martial arts. Spinning was a fabulous addiction until my work schedule changed. (Why do the gyms always schedule my favorite classes when I CANNOT attend?) I turned to yoga at the age of 40. A new studio opend up nearby offering a 3 month intro package for only $99. I thought this was a perfect way to regain some flexibilty and maybe help my back. This was perfect until week three when a yoga instructor told me I could go deeper into a pose, push me deeper and my back snapped. (dark clouds hanging overhead). Injuring the back again also ended the five mile walks I was taking.

In the past few years I have read every self help book that has come on the market. I find that most do not tell me anything NEW but are mere reminders and gentle nudges to try to get me on track. Unfortunately I also find that with an unsupportive husband, a full time stressful job, and two college age children my lifestyle is not condusive to regularly scheduling exercise - although it is getting better with the children not at home.. (When the children were younger I played scout leader, den mother, PTA member, and all around helpful volunteer in town. This was in addition to proud parent of the year round sporty children who drove to every practice and never missed a game.) One day a friend told me I needed to be more like Oprah and learn to say "NO". I have learned to say no but could use her intervention to get me kickstarted...

With the youngest now off to college I had high hopes of gaining some structure in my exercise world. I belong to a gym that has a location near my office. I was hitting the gym 4 - 5 days per week and following a great program... and have actually lost a few pounds. Then I broke my ankle. (One has to wonder if I do this on a subconscious level she only half jokingly writes.) The ankle is healing and I hope to be back into a routine at the first of the year.

This is one of the catalysts for the start of this blog.  

I heard a lot of buzz around the book The Happiness Project. I have not read it yet but may use some of its concepts to guide me this year. As much as I would love to have the owners of EXHALE in Boston come along and set me up in the perfect program .... I know this is all on me and I need to try to figure this out .. whether its doing Tony Horton DVD's and Pilates DVD's and Yoga DVD's .... I will figure this out.

Of course this year is not only about exercise and weight loss.. they are mere components to happiness. I need to rediscover me, find the joy that I am missing. Years ago I stopped creating New Year's resolutions. I came up with my own version of the bucket list - things I wanted to accomplish, places I wanted to go, etc. The hope was that when I examined this list periodically I would see progress toward some of them and I might even check some off. I have learned to knit ( although I am slow and need to schedule time to devote to creating and finishing project) but I still have not learned to play the guitar. (Some books and theories pronounce that if you view your wishes as reality then you will see them become reality - somehow you will gravitate toward the process the make them reality... )  

As I begin to reflect I will re-examine this list, try to understand why they are on the list, and perhaps realize whether I can realistically ever accomplish some, a few, or all. ( Meeting Liz Taylor, John Travolta, and Bruce Springsteen are most likely "not at all" and should be moved accordingly. Owning one to two Lagotto Romagnolo are not likely now with two college tuitions but may happen one day..... even sooner if 5,000 of my nearest and dearest donate a dollar to the dog fund (my lame attempt at humor for the day.)

I have committed to this for 2011. With some honest daily reflection I hope to find the joy I search for.