Preparing for the journey - opening up

 Deciding to commit to finding joy ... or searching for happiness .. in 2011 was not a decision made lightly. It sounds funny though that a journey to find happiness must be taken in a serious manner...It means that I need to devote time each and every day to making positive changes in my life, that will hopefully benefit not only myself but my family as well.  Research, reading, taking notes, purging the world around me of the unwanted and unnecessary, are all aspects of this undertaking that must be given consideration.

There is more to finding joy in my life than simply regaining fitness and gaining control over that aspect of my life. It pretty much means creating a map of what I want to be ... what road I at least wish to be on at the stroke of midnight December 31, 2011. It also means taking the stresses out of my life. What are my triggers? Do they vary? What can I do to control this? What tools do I need to have to accomplish this? What organization skills, if any, do I need?

Aah .. control ... here is a major aspect of the stressors in my world- that feeling the lack of control in my life. When I was younger, faced with a father dying of cancer, and grandparents who were also quite ill, I tended toward being the "perfect daughter". In many ways I was anything but, yet I tried to be and gave up many dreams in order to accommodate the world I was born into. Anorexic behavior became my outlet. My eating was the only thing I felt I could control. I suppose it could have been worse. Running around, drinking, drugs, etc. all could have been my reaction but I planned every day how I could eat less than I did the day before. The fact that I came out of this phase healthy amazes many of us. The fact that I married a controlling personality stuns us even more.

I have spent a great deal of my life creating lists. I have lists on every topic.
The topics I wish to learn
The places I wish to travel to - long trips and short weekends, with family and with friends
The activities I want to be involved in
The skills I want to master
The vacation home I want to own
The redecoration /remodel of the home we live in
The way I would spend lottery winnings if ever blessed to have that problem
etc.
All the lists have one thing in common. They are my vision for the world around me. There are no shared decisions in this daydream world of mine. In my imaginary world I am the queen of my destiny, probably single (since I cannot fathom anyone giving me the space to be me), living on Beacon Hill with my two Lagottos or maybe even miniature bull terriers, rowing on the Charles, biking along the Charles, with a vacation home at Point Judith on the ocean or a short walk to it, driving my Prius, cross country skiing and snow shoeing in the Berkshires or in northern Maine (getting there in my red jeep wrangler - 2 dr or 4 dr? ...), fencing, tai chi, yoga, pilates, boxing for fitness, swimming, skating, playing the guitar and the harp, knitting, sewing, reading, working on PhD, visiting with friends and my children, attending the ballet, the shows that come to town, the opera, the Museum of Fine Arts, the Symphony and the Pops, the Handel and Hayden society, attending concerts from Springsteen and U2 to Bocelli, visiting New York quarterly to attend shows there and to shop a little, trips - weekend and longer - well, I can design a full, stress free life and there is always enough money to handle this - no diamonds, no crazy outrageous extravagances, I don't even need front row seats. This is my happy place. I have refined this so well over the years. I can see the woodwork in my home, feel the comfort of the double chair and ottoman I sit in to knit or to cross stitch now and to hold grandchildren in the future, feel the water from the Charles splashing as I row, and the sand under my feet as I walk the miles of beach, exploring Paris with my family....and then I wake up and face a starker reality.

Given my upbringing - father and grandparents ill, many days, weekends, and vacations spent in hospital waiting rooms I still believed that I was happy and carefree. HA! Truly I was more serious than I wanted to admit to myself or to the rest of the world. The Irish do not cry in front of people - or so I was told. I was the oldest and needed to take care of my mother and siblings. I needed to project to the world that everything was working OK in our part of the universe. I did this well. If I needed to cry it was alone in my room.  Mostly I was afraid to cry because I might never stop. I needed to remain in control. I never opened up to anyone. My group of friends remained constant - they understood what had been going on (to a certain extent) and knew enough to "be there" but never ask questions. The thought of adding friends scared me. They would want to know the answers to obvious questions. I could not risk trying to explain for that could open up a world of tears closed off for so many years.

I became quiet in high school and turned to a lovely nun who unfortunately died at the end of my freshman year. I was beginning to wonder if everyone I turned to would find the same quick ending. Perhaps I was the commonality.... I withrew even more. The school counselor suggested to my mother that I seek out a child psychologist. " She thinks I am nuts."  We went as advised. I answered the questions of this man, and I opened up, and he began to cry. I was worse off than I thought if I am making this man cry.

There are many events that added to the heaviness of my soul, events that I am still not ready to open up about despite knowing that no one but me will ever read these lines. This is part of my journey to finding joy and happiness - I need to lose some of that weight as well. Perhaps this journey will help me release some of this.  Suffice to say that I was wound tight and needed some positivity in my life.

My first real relationship was with a man who became addicted to cocaine and beat the living daylights out of me on a regular basis. My back feels it often from having been thrown across rooms, into car fenders. I tried leaving that realtionship so often. I was cut off from my friends - my lifeline - the people who knew me and loved me anyway. I was constantly threatened that my house would be burned down and my family hurt. I knew he was crazy enough to do just that. It all ended badly but it did end. My college memories are not the sweet ones you want to look back on. I promised the world I would not date for one year. Like the death of a loved one I needed to face this head on ... and I ended the year even a tad thinner than I started.

Oh how I wanted to escape this city and all of her memories. I could not leave my mother. She could not handle that.

I began dating my now husband. I thought he would be the one to "watch over me" but I did not know that he would be controlling. He hid that aspect while we were dating. He seemed perfect. He changed. I withered but I am still here. I fight it every step of the way. I should not have to fight but I do. Unfortunately the world is his way or no way. (Hence my detailed dream world - a world he would want nothing to do with)

That is a lot to throw out for one evening. I think it is time to reflect upon this for tonight and see where we go tomorrow.